Parent Vs Person

To be a parent is to be, not only a person, but also an icon. To be an icon means to become a public person, meaning who we are belongs not just to us, but to others as well-particularly our children. Our iconographic identity is created, not just by us, but also by our offspring. We may want to be known as great parents, but only our children can verify that.

As children of parents we want to believe in what they did for us so much, that we will vigorously pretend it was wonderful, for both of our sakes, even when it was the reverse. But whatever the truth may be, its meaning requires the input of both parents and children. That's the nature of an iconographic-public-relationship.

We humans believe vigorously both in making people into icons, and into becoming one our self. Success and fame are both measured, and rewarded, by our ability to become known in public ways. It gives us something to say, a sense of entitlement about each other, defining who and what we are. As icons, others partly belong to us, and we to them. It also makes them, and us, known by more than just our intimates.

Icons include parents, actors, politicians, priests, judges, police, representatives, business people, profiteers, criminals, etc., etc. All public identities make an icon of us. Indeed we believe and understand more about each other as icons, than we do as just one person to another. We trust iconographic identities more easily, because it's hard to get to know each other, and to trust our judgments about each other without public proofs.

What's more, education exists to verify the expertness of our iconographic identity, even more than it exists to educate us to have a mind of our own. Indeed that aspect of going to school has been almost discarded in present day; education has become almost exclusively training for a profession or trade. What classical education used to represent-becoming an enlightened individuated person capable of very independent thinking-has fallen into limbo. Perhaps because we no longer know how to conceptualize it, we're so preoccupied with verifying competence in an age defined by relativity-the loss of certainty.

In sharp contrast, there is one aspect of learning about which we are very sure-a child's right to form an independent sense of their personal identity. We've finally begun to give, in spades, this valuable opportunity to our children, though we haven't learned to give it to ourselves with such vigorous support. But that's probably only a matter of time, though nothing's any longer for certain.

In the meantime we adults must continue living primarily in a public world in which icons are more dominant than the individuality of specific people. Though we don't admit it, we prefer it that way. Even in our intimate circles, including our families, everyone is icono-graphized. We are parents, wives, husbands, lovers far more prominently than we are individual people. We most often perceive these shared roles as personally determined. But they are not defined just by us; they're also defined by the people with whom we have these public relationships. In effect, public means not to be alone; though being alone is the only vivid way to experience one's self.

Family has not traditionally been perceived as a public place, nor is intimacy a public event. But they are. That's what reputation is all about, defining how we're known by others, an issue that is usually one of our most important and vulnerable concerns; how are people listening and interpreting what we do or are with them? That includes our reputation with our spouse, both positive and negative parts of which may or may not be justified if the internal truth about every individual is known with vivid clarity. Everyone in a divorce makes the claim that they are being unfairly described.

Thus, as we try and teach our children nowadays, only inside of each one of us can we seek to define our identity in our own unique, and exclusive way. So we vigorously encourage them to think and act for themselves.

So where are we going with all of this? That as parents we have no right to claim righteousness about how we functioned as caretakers without first consulting the unconscious of our children. We can't trust their conscious mind, because we may have-probably did-unwittingly for sure, teach them to lie about what really happened when we had lapses of parenting skill of one kind or another. Losing it is what we usually call it, thinking children will recover from its ill effects. When instead, because such lapses always repeat themselves, children make the laws of their life out of such experience. In the sense of avoiding things their parents can't handle, even if it means giving up huge portions of their own identity by this partial self-burial. So lets not pretend we have no negative effects upon our children, most of which we know nothing about.

All psychic symptoms of dysfunction have this collaboration of fabricating the truth, put there in order to protect comfort, stability and the status quo of our parental assumptions about how to raise kids. All of these with time and progress will be judged as partly erroneous; such is the inevitable fate relativity has thrust us into.

In our child-centered society, there is a vigorous effort to deny that we ever make mistakes as parents. We try and pretend that psychic distress can be easily educated out, that it's just a hormonal or biochemical imbalance, that science has given us easy steps to slice symptoms out of a person's life. When, after such superficial treatment, next year the symptoms will be right back where they started. Fathoming the problems and distress of human experience requires far more effort and accomplishment, over aspects of experience that cannot be controlled-just influenced over time with great effort. So it is with anything human wrought. Nature didn't make growing up a few easy steps, or living life a piece of cake. So what makes us think we can change our self just by applying the right kind of short-term objectivity?

We seem to feel safer living in an iconographic reality. Some people call it religion. But it's more functional to call relating to each other as symbols, iconographic; it includes all the ways in which we do it, not just with God, but also with each other. Somehow these larger than life definitions of who we are, appears to make everything more valid and believable. We don't very well understand, or entirely trust, each other, or ourselves, as individuals.

What's our favorite antidote to this uncertainty? Be famous, making one's self somebody big, even if we're really small, and need somebody else's dialogue to make us real. Hollywood and Washington DC are full of such people.

It's as parents that we feel the biggest sense of liability in being icons, because all of us make mistakes. Nobody's got it right yet, and most likely never will. Perfection is a delusional concept, born out of a desperate and fearful need to feel justified in our lifetime. Yet imperfection is nature's way. But if in understanding all of this as parents, we have to experience the criticism or shame of our caretaking lapses, it's another question. We need respite from a steady diet that painful.

There is only one way for us, as beleaguered parents, to restore our reputation. That is to insist that we are two very distinct people-a parent, and an individual; and each identity must be conceptualized separately. It's only fair. To be judged in life by only the way we parented, denies any legitimacy to our life as an individual. A great many of my patients have been gifted people, whose parents were equally talented-as individuals. But as the parents of my patients, many of them were rotten! Mostly it's not their fault because they had no psychology, no sense of who a child is. We're just beginning to get that now. But in all truthfulness, they were terrible parents. Their appropriately angry children would call them abusive neglectful bastards.

But to address them exclusively in that way trashes what is a basically decent, even exemplary life. That is at least for those who regard other non-family achievements as equal to parenting. Some don't.

The problem is we're not used to regarding someone in more than one way, as both very individual as well as iconographic. We jumble it all together in the same bag, letting our preferences and prejudices determine how we interpret the mix, instead of giving each other our due-a better chance for respect from others, even if we weren't such great parents.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Don_Fenn

Managing Lying: What To Do And What To Say

I. Responding to Lying

A. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. What might be the reason for lying?
2. What need(s) might the child be attempting to meet?
3. Are there certain situations in which this behavior seems to occur?
4. Are my feelings/responses a clue to why the child might behave this way?
5. Should I gather more information about the situation before I react?
6. Are my actions encouraging the child to lie?

• Am I overprotective?
• Are the rules too strict?
• Am I invading the child's privacy?
• Do I tell lies in front of the child?

B. In response to the reason for lying, consider doing one or more of the following:

1. Explain how lying affects trust and how hard it is for people who live together to get along without trust.

2. Use reflective listening to show your understanding of the child's underlying needs.

3. Assist the child in meeting underlying needs without addressing the lie (e.g., by exploring alternatives, problem-solving, etc.).

4. Ignore the lie and show appreciation when the child does not lie to meet a specific need.

5. Use an I-message to share your feelings about his or her behavior and to describe the effects of it on you and others.

6. Give the child accurate information so the child won't have to rely on imagination to fill in any gaps.

7. Set rules and be consistent in enforcing them if the child is testing your response to certain behaviors.

8. Don't overreact to the behavior by calling the child a liar.

9. Focus on solutions to problems instead of blame.

10. Respect children's privacy when they don't want to share it with you.

11. Help children to understand that mistakes are opportunities to learn so that they won't believe they are bad and need to conceal their mistakes.

12. Use consequences related to the original wrongdoing.

II. Planning Ahead to Prevent /Reduce Future Problems

A. Don't ask set-up questions that invite lying.

B. Remember that who the child is now is not who he or she will be forever. Don't overreact and expect that the child will lead a life filled with antisocial behavior. Remember that children will behave as they are expected to.

C. Set an example in telling the truth. Talk about times when it may have been difficult for you to tell the truth, but you decided it was more important to deal with the consequences and to maintain your self-respect.

D. Let children know they are unconditionally loved.

E. Show appreciation when the child tells the truth. For example, "Thanks for telling me the truth. I know it must be hard. I like the courage you show in being willing to face the consequences. I know you can handle them and learn form them too."

F. Focus on building closeness, openness and trust in your relationships instead of on the problem behaviors.

G. Look at lying as a developmental phenomenon.

H. Be certain the child understands that you do not accept lying and the reasons why.

I. Distinguish between what you would like to know about the child's behavior and what you have to know.

J. Rather than focusing on trapping the child in a lie, develop a trusting relationship by focusing on the reason for the lie.

K. Model honesty.

L. Build and help maintain the conditions for positive self-esteem.

M. Establish and clearly communicate expectations, limits and rules and make sure you enforce them.

How to be a Better Parent

Being a parent is one of the most important jobs anyone can have. It takes a lot of work and determination to be a loving and supportive parent to any child. There are a few things that you can do to become a better parent and produce happier and healthier children. Some of the following tips will help you through some very tough situations with any child.

The one thing to remember is that all parents get frustrated. Children can take a lot of time and energy. Parenting is so hard when you have problems in your life like worrying about your job, your bills or problems with your relationships. It is even worse when there are problems like drugs or alcohol. Being a good parent depends on taking care of you even if it means getting help with certain problems.

It is always good to take a break when you are frustrated. Everyone needs to take a break from being a parent occasionally. If you have someone else in your family that can help out, take turns getting away from it for a while. Take turns with your spouse or other family members with things like sleeping late on weekends, or running errands.

There is not just one way to be a good parent. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child for that matter. You should show your love to your children. Tell them how you feel and that they are special to you. That is the most important part of being a good parent.

Make sure that you listen when your children are talking. Tell them that they are important and that you are interested in what they are saying. Another part of being a good parent is to make your child feel safe. Comfort them when they are scared. Do not say things to scare them or let them in on family troubles. This could only frighten them and make them worry.

Good parenting also requires you to praise your children. When your children learn something new or achieve certain goals, you should tell them how proud you are of them. When your child makes a mistake, you should never say they were bad. Being a good parent means that you should explain what they did and why it was wrong.

Be consistent with your child and keep your rules clear to them. If you have more than one child, treat them equally and do not favor one child over another. Being a good parent means all of the above and so much more. Take your time and enjoy each moment that you have with your child.

PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP IN ISLAM

(1) Rights of Parents (and Duties of children)

Islam recognises family as a basic social unit. Along with the husband-wife relationship the Parent-child relationship is the most important one. To maintain any social relationship both parties must have some clear-cut Rights as well as obligations. The relationships are reciprocal. Duties of one side are the Rights of the other side. So in Parent-child relationship the Rights of parents are the obligations (duties) of the children and vice versa, the Rights of children are obligations (duties) of parents. Islam clearly defines the Rights of Parents (which mean duties of children) and obligations of parents (which means Rights of children).

It is clear that after Allah parents are the persons who give us innumerable favors. They provide protection, food and clothing to the newly born. The mother sacrifices her comforts and sleep to provide comfort to her children. The father works hard to provide for their physical, educational and psychological (and spiritual) needs. It is a matter of common courtesy that if a person does you some favor you feel obliged to him. Verbally you say ‘thank you’ to him. You try to repay and compensate him for his gifts and favors. You feel a sense of gratitude towards him. So it is with Allah and with parents. Allah’s favors cannot be counted or repaid except by thanking Him and obeying His orders. After Allah our parents deserve our thanks and obedience for the favors they had done us. That’s why Quran lays stress on feeling grateful to parents, and doing good to them. "And your Lord has ordained that you shall worship none save Him and shall do your parents a good turn." What does a ‘good turn’ mean? It includes obeying them, speaking softly, avoiding harsh words or harsh tone, giving them company when they are lonely, caring for their physical and psychological needs (especially in their old age), and praying to Allah that He may bless them and have mercy on them.

As between parents the mother has more rights than the father. The reason is apparent. Mother has borne the child’s burden during pregnancy, has undergone birth pains in delivering the baby, has sacrificed her own comforts to provide comfort to her children, has looked after them and felt worried for their well-being. That is why mother deserves our good treatment more than the father. A Tradition of the Prophet (PBUH) tells us that a Companion asked the Prophet, " Who deserves my good treatment most?" "Your mother", said the Prophet. "Who next?" "Your mother". "Who next?" "Your mother". "Who after that?" "Your father". This means that the mother deserves three times more good treatment from her children than the father deserves. Another Tradition wants us to extend kind treatment to close relations on the mother’s side also (even to her friends). A famous Hadith (Tradition) says, "Paradise lies under the feet of the mother". This means doing good to our mother lead us to Paradise.

As to the reward for doing good to our parents a Hadith mentions the following story: "Three persons of ancient days were once travelling in a mountaneous region. The rain, thunder and lightning made them take refuge in a cave. Mudslide made a stone block the opening to the cave. The persons were entrapped inside. When the storm stopped they tried to push back the heavy stone to get out of the cave but they could not. They wondered ‘what to do now’. At last seeing that their joint efforts also cannot move the stone they decided to pray to Allah sincerely. One of them suggested, ‘each one of us should relate one good thing he has done in his life and beg Allah to move the stone. One said, "One night my old mother asked me to bring a cup of milk for her. During the time I milched the goat and brought it to her she had gone to sleep. I did not think it proper to disturb her. So I stood by her bedside for the whole night till she got up in the morning and then I offered her the cup of milk. O God, if this act of mine was approved by You please shift this stone." The stone slipped a little but not enough to let them get out. Similarly, the second and the third man mentioned an act of goodness and prayed to God to shift the stone. The stone slipped down and the entry to the cave opened up. So the men got out. This story shows how service to one’s parents leads to blessings from God and rescue from troubles. Now let us summarize the Rights of Parents (Duties of children):

(1) Right to be respected and obeyed:

Parents have a right to be respected and obeyed by children. All parents are well wishers of children. They issue orders and instructions that are in the best interest of children (though children might think ottherwise). So it is the duty of children to obey their orders and act accordingly. Some children listen to parental orders but do not act upon these or show laziness in carrying out these orders. This causes annoyance to parents. Children should remember that annoying one’s parents can lead to God’s wrath.

(2) Right to scold and rebuke:

It is instinctive obligation of parents to protect their children from physical and moral harm. If a small child puts its hand in fire it is natural urge for you to push the child back, even if the child does not want. It is in child’s interest. So it is with parents. They are duty bound to protect their children in every way, physical, intellectual, moral. If the children have a temptation to do an act that is not in their long-term interest it is the duty of the parents to keep them back from that act or behavior. To this end they may resort to advice, rebuke, scolding, even hitting them. Good children should take all this ‘harshness’ in their own interest. If parents scold them they should bear it calmly. No rude replies, no arguing, no explanations, no comments unless asked for. Parental advice should be listened to and acted upon, even if against children’s own wishes.

(3) Right to be looked after.

Parents have looked after the children for decades. So it is the duty of grown-up children to repay them by way of caring for them and looking to their physical and financial needs. A Quranic verse says: "People ask you (O Prophet) how should they spend. Say, ‘whatever you spend should be spent on Allah (in good cause), on parents, near relatives, on orphans, destitutes and travelers (who fall short of money in foreign lands)".

(4) Right to be helped:

As parents grow old their energies also decline. So it is the duty of children to help their parents in any household chore in which they can help. Sons can help in lifting heavy things, cleaning home, arranging things etc. Daughters can help in mother’s household work—cooking, washing, cleaning, serving food etc. With good children such help should come automatically, not when asked for. Whenever you see your mother or father doing something extend a helping hand to her/him without their asking. This is what Islam expects from children.

(5) Right to kind words/good behaviour:

Quran urges children to be soft-spoken towards parents and show respect and kindness in their behavior towards parents.

Unforunate as it is, the Western societies have forgotten these lessons. Young children are rude towards parents and show disobedience. As the parents grow old they drive them out from their homes and put them in "Senior Citizens Homes". Grown up children cannot spare time to attend to the needs of old parents. The busy Western life has led to a break-up of the family unit (so much upheld in Islam). As Muslims we expect our children to adhere to Islamic values and show respect, obedience, kindness, leniency and care towards parents, especially in their old age. Children must not forget the favors and sacrifices of their parents. As good mannered persons they must feel and remain obliged towards parents and try to repay them by kind words and deeds, even with money and material needs. These are the Rights of Parents due from their children (or the Duties of Children towards parents). These Rights and obligations are not found in Islam only. Such values are to be found in all true religions. Quran mentions Hazrat Yahya (John the Baptist) as "kind towards his parents, not tough and disobedient". Similarly Hazrat Isa (Jesus) is quoted saying to his people, "God made me kind towards my mother (Mary) and did not make me tough and disobedient". Hazrat Yousuf (Joseph), as a royal Minister in Egypt, called his old, poor parents from their far off home and offered them seats on a high platform (he did not feel shy of behaving in a kind manner to poor parents in the presence of his officials).

(2) Rights of Children

Now let us see the other side of the coin. We have mentioned that Parent-child relation is a reciprocal one. The Rights of Parents (discussed above) are the Duties of children. Now let us see what are the Rights of Children (and Duties of Parents) in Islam. These can be summarized as under:

(1) Children have the right:

Children have the right to be fed, clothed and protected till they grow up to adulhood. It is, primarily, the duty of the father to do that. Mother can provide help if necessary. Protection means protection against physical as well as moral and intellectual harm. Parents are duty bound to see that the child’s personality develops in all fields. So if the parents have to resort to strictness for the sake of disciplining the children and protecting them from intellectually, morally and religiously undesirable behaviour, children should not resent their strictness. Let them perform their duty as parents. Children’s duty is not to protest or be rude but to listen and obey. "Their’s not to question why; their’s but to do and die".

(2) Right to education.

In Islam education is not limited to bookish knowledge but includes moral and religious training also. It means healthy all-round growth of child’s personality. Parents must not only provide for children’s education in schools and colleges but should also take personal interest in their studies, helping them if they can. This gives children a feeling of ‘working with the parents’ and encourages them in studies. Parents should sacrifice their own comfort and social activities and must spare some time to take interest in children’s studies, especially when they are young. Leaving children to the mercy of teachers or tutors is not a wise policy. And of course, parents should not forget or neglect imparting religious/moral training to children. A little sacrifice on part of parents will save children from moral disasters. Effective moral training comes not from sermons, advice and precepts but from parents’ personal examples of good behaviour. It is a famous Tradition of the Prophet (PBUH) that acquisition of knowledge is a must for every Muslim boy and girl. Another Hadith says, "The best of you is one who gives a good education (intellectual and moral) to his children". Another Hadith lays stress on education of daughters. The Prophet (PBUH) once said, "He who provides good upbringing to 3 daughters shall go to Paradise". A man asked, "what if one has only two daughters". "He also shall go to Paradise". Another man asked, "and what if one has only one daughter?" "He too", replied the Prophet ().

(3) Right to love and affection:

Children have many psychological needs also. Small children need to be loved, caressed, kissed and hugged. The Prophet loved children greatly. He would allow his grandsons Hassan and Hussain (R.A) to ride his shoulders even during his prayers. In streets he would offer ‘salaam’ to children, play and cut jokes with them. Sometimes he would even kiss small children in the street. Once a Bedouin saw the Prophet kissing a small kid. Out of wonder he said, "I have eight children but I never kiss them". The Prophet remarked, "What can I do if Allah has taken away love and compassion from your heart". The Prophet would show special kindness to orphaned children. Some parents believe that being frank with children is not good from discipline point of view. This is wrong. Love and leniency can do much that fear and strictness cannot do. If leniency leads to rudeness on the part of children it should be mixed with strictness. That will tell the children that parents are basically kind but can be tough if children show rudeness and bad manners. Over-protection and over-care are undesirable. Let the child grow up as a responsible person. Only provide them guidance.

(5) Right to be well provided (materially)

A Hadith says, "It is better for parents to leave their children well provided (financially) than to leave them in poverty". This means that parents should not spend all that they have on their own comforts and luxuries but must make provisions for children’s welfare after the parents die. These are brief outlines of the Rights and Duties of both parties in the Parent-child relationship. If the parents and children act according to these guidelines they can make the family environment most conducive to peace and satisfaction for the parents and healthy personality growth for children. May Allah bless us all. AMEN.