The dilemma of Chinese, Indian parents

Many Malaysian parents, mainly the non-bumiputeras, have a dilemma regarding their children’s education and future. I just met a friend who has this to tell me. He is an engineer earning a decent living but not really rich. He has two children, and he is grateful that he has only two. The eldest is a son who has just finished his studies in engineering in Australia. The second one is a daughter who has just gone to Australia to study business management.

His dilemma is this. He had no choice but to send his son overseas in order to provide him with a good education and at the same time to broaden his perspective. He could have asked his son to study locally but the problem was that his son might not be given the course of his choice since majority of places for medicine and engineering courses are reserved for bumiputera students.

My friend had to work very hard and had to be very thrifty in order to save to send his children overseas. And he is now near retirement age. He wants his son to come back Malaysia to work but he fears that his son may not get a good job and the prospect of promotions may be limited.

So he asked me what to do. I told him this is the dilemma faced by many, many Chinese and Indian Malaysian parents. Who doesn’t want their children to be around them? But at the same time, if the children don’t good job prospects here, what would the parents do?

They would want the children to have the best chances and do something that they are happy with. And that means letting their children work overseas where the employment prospects are better, and where work satisfaction and upward mobility also better.

I asked my friend, ‘Why don’t you join your son Down Under?’ He answered that he loves Malaysia, he was born and bred here, his friends and relatives are all here, and his business is also here. He would feel out of place and it would not be easy for a middle-aged man to start his network and friends all over again in a foreign country.

What can we do about this? When a citizen’s child studies overseas, we lose precious foreign exchange and this is no small sum as an overseas education runs into hundreds of thousands of ringgit for each student. Over the years, how many Malaysians have gone overseas to study? One hundred thousand? Half a million? One million? I don’t have the figure. But Malaysian used to be the biggest group of foreign students in Australia, the UK, etc. How much money was lost?

And how many of these did not come back? I have so many classmates working as consultants in the UK, Singapore and Australia that I have lost count. This is ‘brain drain’ and ‘brain loss’. Human capital is now recognised as the most important asset in this flattening world. Many of these who stay abroad become very famous scientists, doctors, entrepreneurs, etc. How much ‘brain’ was lost? No one can quantify that.

Who knows, Malaysia would have become a First World country by now if we had all these brains realising their potential locally. Everyone, both bumi and non-bumi, would have benefitted more by now. How about the human cost? How many families were separated? How many parents died a lonely death because their children were overseas?

The lists go on and the dilemma is getting more acute. We should in fact be more farsighted. Intake for local tertiary education should be based on merit, with maybe a small proportion reserved for socially-handicapped people. For those studying overseas, try to lure them back, place them in GLCs such as Petronas, TNB, Telekom and government departments and let their promotion be based on merit.

That way, these companies can be much more successful, the country be more prosperous and there will be that much more job prospects. In turn, the economic cake grows bigger and we then have a bigger capacity to offer affirmative action for the less-advantaged groups. By being farsighted, we will be rewarded with every ethnic group getting a bigger share of the economy.

How to be a Better Parent

Being a parent is one of the most important jobs anyone can have. It takes a lot of work and determination to be a loving and supportive parent to any child. There are a few things that you can do to become a better parent and produce happier and healthier children. Some of the following tips will help you through some very tough situations with any child.

The one thing to remember is that all parents get frustrated. Children can take a lot of time and energy. Parenting is so hard when you have problems in your life like worrying about your job, your bills or problems with your relationships. It is even worse when there are problems like drugs or alcohol. Being a good parent depends on taking care of you even if it means getting help with certain problems.

It is always good to take a break when you are frustrated. Everyone needs to take a break from being a parent occasionally. If you have someone else in your family that can help out, take turns getting away from it for a while. Take turns with your spouse or other family members with things like sleeping late on weekends, or running errands.

There is not just one way to be a good parent. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child for that matter. You should show your love to your children. Tell them how you feel and that they are special to you. That is the most important part of being a good parent.

Make sure that you listen when your children are talking. Tell them that they are important and that you are interested in what they are saying. Another part of being a good parent is to make your child feel safe. Comfort them when they are scared. Do not say things to scare them or let them in on family troubles. This could only frighten them and make them worry.

Good parenting also requires you to praise your children. When your children learn something new or achieve certain goals, you should tell them how proud you are of them. When your child makes a mistake, you should never say they were bad. Being a good parent means that you should explain what they did and why it was wrong.

Be consistent with your child and keep your rules clear to them. If you have more than one child, treat them equally and do not favor one child over another. Being a good parent means all of the above and so much more. Take your time and enjoy each moment that you have with your child.

PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP IN ISLAM

(1) Rights of Parents (and Duties of children)

Islam recognises family as a basic social unit. Along with the husband-wife relationship the Parent-child relationship is the most important one. To maintain any social relationship both parties must have some clear-cut Rights as well as obligations. The relationships are reciprocal. Duties of one side are the Rights of the other side. So in Parent-child relationship the Rights of parents are the obligations (duties) of the children and vice versa, the Rights of children are obligations (duties) of parents. Islam clearly defines the Rights of Parents (which mean duties of children) and obligations of parents (which means Rights of children).

It is clear that after Allah parents are the persons who give us innumerable favors. They provide protection, food and clothing to the newly born. The mother sacrifices her comforts and sleep to provide comfort to her children. The father works hard to provide for their physical, educational and psychological (and spiritual) needs. It is a matter of common courtesy that if a person does you some favor you feel obliged to him. Verbally you say ‘thank you’ to him. You try to repay and compensate him for his gifts and favors. You feel a sense of gratitude towards him. So it is with Allah and with parents. Allah’s favors cannot be counted or repaid except by thanking Him and obeying His orders. After Allah our parents deserve our thanks and obedience for the favors they had done us. That’s why Quran lays stress on feeling grateful to parents, and doing good to them. "And your Lord has ordained that you shall worship none save Him and shall do your parents a good turn." What does a ‘good turn’ mean? It includes obeying them, speaking softly, avoiding harsh words or harsh tone, giving them company when they are lonely, caring for their physical and psychological needs (especially in their old age), and praying to Allah that He may bless them and have mercy on them.

As between parents the mother has more rights than the father. The reason is apparent. Mother has borne the child’s burden during pregnancy, has undergone birth pains in delivering the baby, has sacrificed her own comforts to provide comfort to her children, has looked after them and felt worried for their well-being. That is why mother deserves our good treatment more than the father. A Tradition of the Prophet (PBUH) tells us that a Companion asked the Prophet, " Who deserves my good treatment most?" "Your mother", said the Prophet. "Who next?" "Your mother". "Who next?" "Your mother". "Who after that?" "Your father". This means that the mother deserves three times more good treatment from her children than the father deserves. Another Tradition wants us to extend kind treatment to close relations on the mother’s side also (even to her friends). A famous Hadith (Tradition) says, "Paradise lies under the feet of the mother". This means doing good to our mother lead us to Paradise.

As to the reward for doing good to our parents a Hadith mentions the following story: "Three persons of ancient days were once travelling in a mountaneous region. The rain, thunder and lightning made them take refuge in a cave. Mudslide made a stone block the opening to the cave. The persons were entrapped inside. When the storm stopped they tried to push back the heavy stone to get out of the cave but they could not. They wondered ‘what to do now’. At last seeing that their joint efforts also cannot move the stone they decided to pray to Allah sincerely. One of them suggested, ‘each one of us should relate one good thing he has done in his life and beg Allah to move the stone. One said, "One night my old mother asked me to bring a cup of milk for her. During the time I milched the goat and brought it to her she had gone to sleep. I did not think it proper to disturb her. So I stood by her bedside for the whole night till she got up in the morning and then I offered her the cup of milk. O God, if this act of mine was approved by You please shift this stone." The stone slipped a little but not enough to let them get out. Similarly, the second and the third man mentioned an act of goodness and prayed to God to shift the stone. The stone slipped down and the entry to the cave opened up. So the men got out. This story shows how service to one’s parents leads to blessings from God and rescue from troubles. Now let us summarize the Rights of Parents (Duties of children):

(1) Right to be respected and obeyed:

Parents have a right to be respected and obeyed by children. All parents are well wishers of children. They issue orders and instructions that are in the best interest of children (though children might think ottherwise). So it is the duty of children to obey their orders and act accordingly. Some children listen to parental orders but do not act upon these or show laziness in carrying out these orders. This causes annoyance to parents. Children should remember that annoying one’s parents can lead to God’s wrath.

(2) Right to scold and rebuke:

It is instinctive obligation of parents to protect their children from physical and moral harm. If a small child puts its hand in fire it is natural urge for you to push the child back, even if the child does not want. It is in child’s interest. So it is with parents. They are duty bound to protect their children in every way, physical, intellectual, moral. If the children have a temptation to do an act that is not in their long-term interest it is the duty of the parents to keep them back from that act or behavior. To this end they may resort to advice, rebuke, scolding, even hitting them. Good children should take all this ‘harshness’ in their own interest. If parents scold them they should bear it calmly. No rude replies, no arguing, no explanations, no comments unless asked for. Parental advice should be listened to and acted upon, even if against children’s own wishes.

(3) Right to be looked after.

Parents have looked after the children for decades. So it is the duty of grown-up children to repay them by way of caring for them and looking to their physical and financial needs. A Quranic verse says: "People ask you (O Prophet) how should they spend. Say, ‘whatever you spend should be spent on Allah (in good cause), on parents, near relatives, on orphans, destitutes and travelers (who fall short of money in foreign lands)".

(4) Right to be helped:

As parents grow old their energies also decline. So it is the duty of children to help their parents in any household chore in which they can help. Sons can help in lifting heavy things, cleaning home, arranging things etc. Daughters can help in mother’s household work—cooking, washing, cleaning, serving food etc. With good children such help should come automatically, not when asked for. Whenever you see your mother or father doing something extend a helping hand to her/him without their asking. This is what Islam expects from children.

(5) Right to kind words/good behaviour:

Quran urges children to be soft-spoken towards parents and show respect and kindness in their behavior towards parents.

Unforunate as it is, the Western societies have forgotten these lessons. Young children are rude towards parents and show disobedience. As the parents grow old they drive them out from their homes and put them in "Senior Citizens Homes". Grown up children cannot spare time to attend to the needs of old parents. The busy Western life has led to a break-up of the family unit (so much upheld in Islam). As Muslims we expect our children to adhere to Islamic values and show respect, obedience, kindness, leniency and care towards parents, especially in their old age. Children must not forget the favors and sacrifices of their parents. As good mannered persons they must feel and remain obliged towards parents and try to repay them by kind words and deeds, even with money and material needs. These are the Rights of Parents due from their children (or the Duties of Children towards parents). These Rights and obligations are not found in Islam only. Such values are to be found in all true religions. Quran mentions Hazrat Yahya (John the Baptist) as "kind towards his parents, not tough and disobedient". Similarly Hazrat Isa (Jesus) is quoted saying to his people, "God made me kind towards my mother (Mary) and did not make me tough and disobedient". Hazrat Yousuf (Joseph), as a royal Minister in Egypt, called his old, poor parents from their far off home and offered them seats on a high platform (he did not feel shy of behaving in a kind manner to poor parents in the presence of his officials).

(2) Rights of Children

Now let us see the other side of the coin. We have mentioned that Parent-child relation is a reciprocal one. The Rights of Parents (discussed above) are the Duties of children. Now let us see what are the Rights of Children (and Duties of Parents) in Islam. These can be summarized as under:

(1) Children have the right:

Children have the right to be fed, clothed and protected till they grow up to adulhood. It is, primarily, the duty of the father to do that. Mother can provide help if necessary. Protection means protection against physical as well as moral and intellectual harm. Parents are duty bound to see that the child’s personality develops in all fields. So if the parents have to resort to strictness for the sake of disciplining the children and protecting them from intellectually, morally and religiously undesirable behaviour, children should not resent their strictness. Let them perform their duty as parents. Children’s duty is not to protest or be rude but to listen and obey. "Their’s not to question why; their’s but to do and die".

(2) Right to education.

In Islam education is not limited to bookish knowledge but includes moral and religious training also. It means healthy all-round growth of child’s personality. Parents must not only provide for children’s education in schools and colleges but should also take personal interest in their studies, helping them if they can. This gives children a feeling of ‘working with the parents’ and encourages them in studies. Parents should sacrifice their own comfort and social activities and must spare some time to take interest in children’s studies, especially when they are young. Leaving children to the mercy of teachers or tutors is not a wise policy. And of course, parents should not forget or neglect imparting religious/moral training to children. A little sacrifice on part of parents will save children from moral disasters. Effective moral training comes not from sermons, advice and precepts but from parents’ personal examples of good behaviour. It is a famous Tradition of the Prophet (PBUH) that acquisition of knowledge is a must for every Muslim boy and girl. Another Hadith says, "The best of you is one who gives a good education (intellectual and moral) to his children". Another Hadith lays stress on education of daughters. The Prophet (PBUH) once said, "He who provides good upbringing to 3 daughters shall go to Paradise". A man asked, "what if one has only two daughters". "He also shall go to Paradise". Another man asked, "and what if one has only one daughter?" "He too", replied the Prophet ().

(3) Right to love and affection:

Children have many psychological needs also. Small children need to be loved, caressed, kissed and hugged. The Prophet loved children greatly. He would allow his grandsons Hassan and Hussain (R.A) to ride his shoulders even during his prayers. In streets he would offer ‘salaam’ to children, play and cut jokes with them. Sometimes he would even kiss small children in the street. Once a Bedouin saw the Prophet kissing a small kid. Out of wonder he said, "I have eight children but I never kiss them". The Prophet remarked, "What can I do if Allah has taken away love and compassion from your heart". The Prophet would show special kindness to orphaned children. Some parents believe that being frank with children is not good from discipline point of view. This is wrong. Love and leniency can do much that fear and strictness cannot do. If leniency leads to rudeness on the part of children it should be mixed with strictness. That will tell the children that parents are basically kind but can be tough if children show rudeness and bad manners. Over-protection and over-care are undesirable. Let the child grow up as a responsible person. Only provide them guidance.

(5) Right to be well provided (materially)

A Hadith says, "It is better for parents to leave their children well provided (financially) than to leave them in poverty". This means that parents should not spend all that they have on their own comforts and luxuries but must make provisions for children’s welfare after the parents die. These are brief outlines of the Rights and Duties of both parties in the Parent-child relationship. If the parents and children act according to these guidelines they can make the family environment most conducive to peace and satisfaction for the parents and healthy personality growth for children. May Allah bless us all. AMEN.

Many Good Parents Choose Daycare

The recent report hit working parents everywhere like a slap in the face: A 10-year-long study financed by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD) determined that long hours spent at daycare centers result in "overly aggressive" children who present a host of behavioral problems for their kindergarten teachers.

The resulting publicity has put the potential risks of child care back on the national radar screen. If that makes parents, communities, and the government take a long, hard look at the quality of care that their children are receiving, that's great! Poor-quality child care is a national scandal, or it should be.

But if new research convinces good parents that they are harming their children by putting them in daycare and that the only responsible way to raise a child is for a parent (let's not kid ourselves, a motherin most cases) to stay at home, then it's not doing anyone a service.

Look beyond the headlines
The gist of the research is that 17 percent of kindergarteners who had spent more than 30 hours per week in paid child care were reported as being "overly aggressive" toward other children, while only 6 percent of those who were in paid care for less than 10 hours per week were rated as aggressive.

On the surface, this finding would seem to support the headline that "Daycare Makes Children Aggressive." But there are several reasons to question this conclusion:

1. We don't have the actual published report to look at and critique. The research findings came from a large, federally funded project, and they were presented April 19 at a national meeting of the well-respected Society for Research in Child Development in Minneapolis. But until the details are published-and that could be weeks or months from now--it's impossible to make an independent judgment about possible flaws in the research that could undercut its validity.



2. Even accepting that the study was well done, the claim that child care causes aggression is a stretch. It's rare that a single study proves that there is a cause-and-effect relationship between one thing and another. The best way to do this is through a true experiment, by which I mean a study in which the research exposes one group of randomly chosen children to the proposed cause, while not exposing another randomly chosen group.



3. Of course, that didn't happen in this study. Rather, the children who spent more time in paid care did so because their parents felt that it was necessary or desirable; the children who spent less time in daycare had parents who felt differently. In other words, there were differences in parental attitudes and family situations before the children ever got to child care. How can we be certain that these differences did not account for the reported aggressiveness? I'm not trying to say that I know what the differences were, or how they might have affected the children's behavior, but only that the NICHD study leaves some important questions unanswered.



4. The findings are inconsistent with much previous research that has shown that the important factor is not whether or not a child attends child care, but rather the quality of the care that he receives. The differences between high- and poor-quality care can be dramatic. In one, children are attended by well-trained, sensitive, caring adults who know how to win their trust; support their emotional, social, and cognitive development; and work together with the parents as a team. In the other, children may be all but neglected, if not actively abused. Knowledge of child development, as well as common sense, would lead one to expect rather large differences in aggression, anxiety, and other behavioral and emotional outcomes between these two extremes of child-care quality, and other studies have indeed found this. Yet the recent, highly publicized study apparently found only a small or modest effect related to quality. One has to wonder why.

I do not mean to discount the study altogether. It was large, well funded, and carried out by respected researchers. But I do think that it's a mistake to merely accept the one-line conclusion that child care causes aggressiveness. The truth is sure to be more complex than that.

What you can do
If you're a parent with children in daycare, the news linking longer child-care hours with behavior problems should move you to act, but not necessarily to quit your job and stay home. Instead, take another look at your arrangement: Is your child happy and comfortable in her daycare situation? Does she have caring, sensitive adults to interact with, and (especially for young children) is there one adult with whom she has developed a special, trusting bond?

Is your child showing signs of aggressive or anxious behavior? If so, think broadly about all the possible causes and what you might be able to do to help her feel more comfortable. Simply stopping the child care may not be the best solution (it may not even be possible). On the other hand if your child seems to be having trouble adjusting to long days away from you and you've been feeling that you're missing out on too much of her early life, you may want to consider working fewer hours and having more time at home. (I mean this advice to apply equally whether you are the father or the mother.) In other words, the decision about use of paid child care has to be a personal one, not one dictated by a single research study. Children and families thrive when parents have a full range of options, from high-quality care to staying at home, and choose what they judge to be best for their family overall.

Childcare is key. Good parents are, too

Being a parent has always been about being judged. Way back before any so-called Mommy Wars, there were neighbours and relatives clucking about your child's atrocious manners or the fact you spoiled your kids. Or even occasionally lost track of them.

Now, of course, much of the judgment is ideologically fixated on childcare arrangements, as if everything you need to know about the quality of a child's life is revealed by whether her mother works outside the home.

Some social conservatives wistfully want to return to the land of the child-focused stay-at-home mom. Would those be the mothers I see pushing strollers distractedly while madly texting? Or the ones with kids velcroed to home computers, who are, as Bill Moyers once trenchantly put it, being "raised by appliances"?

Others say that both mothers and children are happier when mom has an "outlet," which often turns into a punishing 9-to-5 (or more) job and an exhausted and stressed parent.

Even contemplating those two stereotypical polarities is a waste of time. The truth is that economic realities have resulted in more Canadian women being in the work force than ever before. So the real question about what's best for our kids has to take in that immutable reality: Women work.

Still, the debate about whether our children are suffering the consequences of this dual working-parent world is legitimate. Are they safe? Emotionally secure? Intellectually thriving?

We need to keep finding new ways to make sure they have the attention, stimulation and emotional security they need to grow into healthy and productive adults and not just hark back to the old ways. For that reason I like the new Ontario government proposal for optional full-day kindergarten.

Many young children would thrive in that kind of stimulating environment. For those who would be overwhelmed, their parents could make other arrangements that suit their finances and family dynamic.

Many parents who now cobble together a complex web of childcare, including babysitters, daycare and family members, would breathe a sigh of relief knowing they have a one-stop, full-day option.

In the best possible scenario, children with learning disabilities would be identified sooner, and those who are more vulnerable at home would have a safe environment in which to play under the supervision of high-quality teachers trained in early childhood development.

One long-term U.S. research project, sponsored by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, showed there are few significant differences between children cared for exclusively by their mothers and those in any form of daycare. And in a longitudinal study reaching even further back - the High/Scope Perry Preschool Study, which followed children living in poverty in Michigan who are now in their 40s - researchers concluded that "high-quality preschool programs" for those kids contributed to "their school success, economic performance and reduced commission of crime in adulthood."

Of course it all depends on the quality of daycare. And the quality of parenting. Just as there are great and terrible daycares and preschools, there are great and terrible parents. (Most of us lie somewhere in between, in what's known in psychological parlance as the "good-enough parent" category.) No matter which childcare arrangement is used, nurturing parents are a key predictor of success.

But we can't make assumptions based only on socioeconomic status. The most poignant thing ever said to me by a teacher when my kids were growing up was that despite their ups and downs, "I don't worry about kids from middle-class homes like yours. They already have what they need."

Yet according to Charles Pascal, the early learning adviser to the Ontario government, that is not quite true: "60 per cent of all vulnerable children (those with learning disabilities or psychological problems) do not live in low-income homes." Mr. Pascal is so loquaciously enthusiastic about what he calls "exciting and fun early education" that he sometimes sounds like a crazed Mr. Rogers. He told me his full-day kindergarten recommendations, which will start being implemented in 2010, are "an enemy of the status quo."

He also pointed out that a large percentage of mothers in France who send their kids to full-day kindergarten are stay-at-home moms. To some, it seems shocking that a school environment, no matter how qualified its early childhood educators are, could replace those halcyon days at home for four- and five-year-olds, who should be building tree forts in the back yard and hanging with mom.

But those halcyon days have to be rejigged. How about sending the kids to full-day kindergarten but being able to leave work, pick them up at 3:30 and build a tree fort with them?

Of course, that would require employers to "rejig" too, and that's a whole other assault on the status quo.